Day 8 of the cleanse OR i want a $%*&ing cheeseburger and i don’t even eat meat

So, I know I promised full coverage, but trust me, you’d rather not know. There has been all kinds of weird-looking, foul-smelling, crazy-textured things coming out of my body these days. My tongue has a fuzzy cheese-like coating on it that is sometimes slightly green and sometimes slightly orange. My breath smells like a strange variation of ashtray, even though I brush my teeth sometimes three times a day, and I’m not even going to go into what’s coming out of my butt (ok, if you must know, its blackish and rubbery.)

I’ve heard from friends who have done the cleanse that towards the end of it your body begins to crave the drink instead food, and that you feel so good that even once you’re done with it you don’t want to eat things that are bad for you. Well, I don’t know if I’m an alien, but I hate this damn drink. I want it less and less each day. Instead, I suddenly want all of the most horrible things I can think of. I want to stuff it all down my throat and then lick the grease from the plates. I can’t drive by a Waffle House (which I normally hate) without salivating over soggy, yellowed hash browns and limp toast dripping with “apple” butter (like there’s really something fruit based in there, ha!). I was driving along yesterday, looking at all of the restaurant signs and I actually considered for a second pulling over and entering a Japanese steakhouse. I HAVEN’T EATEN MEAT IN 15 YEARS! But now that I’m on the cleanse, steak suddenly sounds acceptable to me.

In the beginning of the cleanse, I was feeling really energetic. I was waking up feeling well-rested after an ample 7 or 8 hours, which has been a struggle for me since I have been here. But now, all that has faded and I just feel tired. Less physically than emotionally. As Rachel put it, “the cleanse is boring.” Without different flavors there is nothing to look forward to in life, nothing wonderful to break up your day. In its place, there is only cayenne pepper.

Either way, I’m glad I am doing it, and I’m glad that it’s almost over. I do feel healthier. I do recognize that all that butt rubber would sit in my system forever and make me feel yuck.

I just miss food.

In honor of food, I will share with you the list of things that I miss eating in Spartanburg:

• Rosemary Olive Oil bagels with extra onion and chive cream cheese from Bruegger’s
• the Allie sandwich or the Loaded Veggie sandwich (the only difference being that one is grilled and one is cold) from The Coffee Cup, with bananas/granola and pasta salad on the side
• Pad Kee Mow from Lime Leaf
• Chat Samosa from Five Spice (this might be the one I miss the most, I think there is crack in that thing)
• Thai Lettuce Wraps with tofu and Pad Thai from Monsoon
• Papa’s Crisp Golden Waffle with a side of hash browns from Papa Sam’s
• Black Raspberry ice cream/sorbet/yogurt (depending on availability) from Bruster’s
• Veggie Cheeseburger with the works and fried green beans/cajun fries from the Nu-Way
• Guacamole Azteca from Bronco
• Nut n Honey wraps from Roly Poly (minus the Fox News, of course)
• Salad bar from Jason’s Deli, and the unbelievably wonderful panoply and vegetables, side salads and mini-muffin cornbreads
• and most importantly, grilled cheese, mac n cheese, beautiful salads, muriel heslop, and Turkish delight from Derya’s room…

Ah, those were the days…