An open letter to Baby X Litwack

Dear Baby X,

Excuse the crude stand-in for your name, but your parents are guarding it as if it were a matter of National Security. I know you are only about 14 hours old at this point, but your mother and I go back to when we were about your age, and I think I’m entitled to let you in on a few things you should know.

I realize you have had a rough day (though, not as rough as your mother, I understand.) Therefore, I have divided my random tidbits of advice into four brief and simple categories, so you will be sure to process them all thoroughly.

Things your parents will inevitably try to tell you that are just not true:
1. Your mother is going to tell you that the Miami Dolphins are worthy of your attention. Don’t listen to her. Dolphins fandom is nothing but heartbreak; they always, always choke. Your father is going to tell you that the Cleveland Browns are an outstanding alternative. Let him know that brown is a color and not a football team. The Oakland Raiders, however, have a long, proud, and successful history (and not to mention the gangsterest colors ever) and by the time you are old enough to understand football they might actually be winning.
2. Your father, though a wonderful, wonderful man, happens to be a Republican. Let me dispel a few things right now, so when he starts in on you, you can promptly spit up on his tie. Ronald Reagan is not the best President ever, global warming is happening, and gay people rule. Don’t get me wrong, your dad’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met (and he sure makes a mean chulent), but perhaps you should follow not his political rhetoric, but his example: he took his parent’s political views and rebelled against them very effectively.

Things that are going to suck:
1. The DMV, you’ll see. It might be the absolute worst part of being alive.
2. The Apocalypse, but we’ll talk about that when you’re a little older, like maybe two and a half.

Things that are going to rule:
1. Your grandmother’s afoona, and your mother’s mushroom bourekas. I’ve also heard that their fish is exquisite, but sadly, I’m still a vegetarian.
2. Hook and Wayne’s World

Things you should know about your parents, but that they might not tell you:
1. Your father wanted to walk down the aisle to Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” and he wanted all his groomsmen to dress in the tuxedo outfits from Dumb and Dumber, until your mom spoiled the fun by informing him that their wedding was not a circus.
2. Your mother used to have a lunchbox with the inside covered in an homage to Puff Daddy in the form of a collage, the centerpiece of which was a quote by Lil Kim, written in your mother’s own handwriting, “Puffy, hold me down baby!” She also entertained a similarly disturbing obsession with Christina Aguilera, during which time she dragged me to not one but two concerts (at 16, we were the oldest people there.)

That about covers it, all you need to know about life. I’ll be happy to elaborate on any of the above points for you when we meet in person next week. I’ll be in town to witness a very important small surgical procedure in your life…don’t worry, I’m sure it only hurts for a second.

Love,
Arielle